Dreams- Submitted for editing

Have you ever stopped for a moment to think about what you want? I know this is a dangerous practice. Dreaming. Yes, in our time, in our world, dreamers are a dying breed. It seems like everything around us conspires to kill our dreams, to murder the things that give us life. What I am talking about is going out there and saying, “This is what I want,” with the full knowledge that we are in fact bringing our dreams and desires before God, and telling Him, “You know best and I know the least, so do with my dreams what YOU please.”

This contradicts the idea of the American dream, which tells us that WE have the power to fulfill our dreams and if WE do not make them happen, then we are slackers, stupid or lazy. So, let me be clear. I will go after my dreams with as much energy and purpose that I have in me, but I know that at any moment my life could be changed by the hands that hold me. Ultimately, I hope that my dreams for myself more closely match the dreams of my Father. If I let Him have my heart completely than He will shape, guide and make my way clear. That is my hope as I enter this time of dreaming.

My dreams. It is terrifying to write them out. But, lately I have been trying to do things that scare me. So, here are four of my dreams.

-I dream about being a wounded healer. Someone who has faced the pain within myself in order to more clearly understand the pain of others. Within the pain, I keep my eyes fixed on eyes that are filled with compassion and understanding. To enter the darkness, the living Hell that surrounds so many people, I have had to search hard and deeply. I cannot walk through Hell unless I hold Heaven in my heart.

-I dream about being a mother of children that are not my own, of holding them and teaching them what it means to be loved. Through teaching, writing, and relationship, I want to give them a safe place to be themselves, a place where they can tell their secrets and receive love and compassion. I remember so much about what it was like to be a child with dark secrets, and I do not want that for them.

-I dream about having a home of my own, of sharing my life and my heart with another. I want to be open to possibilities, and share myself freely. I want to go on adventures with a partner who knows who I am. I want the space we inhabit to be a place of freedom. I want to be with someone who has fought for his soul and will get my back as I fight for mine. A battle partner, friend and beloved.

-Finally, I dream about waking dreams in others. Through my life, I want to encourage and enable others to follow their greater purposes, regardless of the risk or comfort level. I want to see those that I love awakened to a deeper Joy, and watch them but their Hope and Trust in the one true and great God. The only one who offers Healing and Deliverance; the walking, living, knowing God. For more on this idea, I recommend reading David Platt’s book Radical, and letting your heart be open to the idea that you may be missing out if you are holding on too tightly to your comfort zone.

On another note, that is in fact related, I am going to Africa this summer. And I have always dreamed about going there. Sometimes, our dreams really do come true.
So, write out your dreams, and then submit them to the author of your life-story for editing. You know what I mean. See what happens. I know it’s going to be awesome.

In the meantime, I’m going to go live out my dreams and see what happens. I’m not going to let the apathy and concrete of Southern California choke out who I was made to be.

An Ocean called Forgiveness

There is an ocean that is so big that all the attempts to describe it have failed. I heard stories from people who tried. They told me how they sent boats to sail across it and look for land. The sailors came back and told me how they had sailed for miles and miles and miles, and still had not found the other side. The waters and waves seemed to stretch on and on from one side of the sky to another. Another brave explorer told me how he tried to dive to the bottom of this ocean. But, even with the strongest submarine, he still could not go deep enough to find the bottom. This ocean is too deep and too wide to measure. It has mysterious caves, all kinds of sea creatures, and the loveliest colored waters you have ever seen. It is an ocean called forgiveness.

One day, I decided to swim in that ocean, to explore its murky mysteries and discover just how big it was. Armed with flippers, a mask, and snorkel, I swam away from the beach and away from the land. The water was like heavy silence in my ears, and its warmth surrounded me.

In the shallows I encountered my first living creature, a buggy eyed fish.
I stopped and looked at her. She was blue. I tried to speak with her, to say, “Hello fish!” But, she did not respond. She didn’t even blink. She just swam away. I was sad. I thought to myself, “Maybe this journey is something I have to do on my own.”

It was then that I felt my first feeling of fear. It felt like the arms of a giant octopus sticking to me and pulling me downwards. Still, I knew I must continue swimming. It was like something was drawing me forward. So I swam out of the shallows and into the seaweed forest.

The water grew darker because the seaweed blocked out the sun. But, there were many wonderful things swimming around me. Silver fishes darted through the water, moving separately but together in giant packs. I saw the flash of a seal as it chased the fish quickly through the water. Starfish sat on the rocky bottom in the little patches of sunlight. The seaweed was slimy and smooth and it moved out of my way as I swam through it, almost as if it could feel that I was coming.

When I came to the end of the forest and looked out, my fear became stronger. I was on the edge of a continental shelf. A continental shelf is where the shallows close to land suddenly drop off into deep, deep waters. The ocean changed colors into a dark purple and I couldn’t see the bottom anymore. My heart began to beat wildly, and I floated there, completely stopped in the water. I knew that sharks lived in the depths of the seas. I knew that they could be anywhere in the ocean around me. And this thought made my blood boom in my ears. Suddenly, every bubbling noise or movement of the water around me felt dark and sinister.

At that moment, something large and shining caught my eye. It was a giant sea anemone unfurling it’s dozens of fingerlike tentacles. It was sitting on the very edge of the continental shelf facing outward. It was a dark red color, and when it opened all the way I saw a flash of light go through it. It was glowing. Curiosity overcame my fear and I swam closer to get a better look.

“Hello human girl.” Said the sea anemone.

I gasped, swam backwards and almost choked on my snorkel.
“Anemone! You can talk!”

“Yes.” It said, “In fact, I have been waiting here for you. I have something very important to tell you.”

I thought for a moment… I couldn’t remember ever reading anything in books about anemones talking. What could this anemone have to say to me?

“Anemone, I don’t know why you are talking to me. But, I think I can listen to whatever you have to say.”

The red fingerlike tentacles quivered in response. I realized that the anemone was laughing, “Oh!” It said, “I have never heard a response quite like that before. Thank you! Thank you for listening. I think what I have to say will help you.”
“Human girl,” said the sea anemone with a stronger voice, “Today you have to go talk with a shark.”

My flippers stopped flipping. My legs and arms felt paralyzed.

“Um, excuse me Mr. or Mrs. Anemone, whatever you are… I cannot go talk with a shark. Sharks are bad. Sharks eat people. In fact, I know people who have been bitten by sharks. In fact, I lost my big toe to a shark bite years and years ago. I don’t even know you, and you are telling me to go talk to a shark. I don’t think so.”

The anemone started to glow again. “Yes,” it said, “I had a feeling you would say that. But, would you listen if I tell you a little bit more about sharks?”

I considered this carefully, “Well anemone, as long as I am here I guess I have to listen. What can you tell me that I don’t already know?”

“Well,” began the anemone, glowing brighter, “Sharks have a long and interesting history. They are not all bad you know. Only some of them bite people. And even those sharks that bite people start out as tiny creatures that need to be cared for. They grow in little egg sacks and can easily be eaten by other predators.”

“Predators!” I said, “Yes, that is the word. One of my friends lost a leg to a shark once. She has not been the same since then. When I visited her in the hospital she said that a part of her was gone forever. I know that sharks are like predators.”

“No, no, no…” Said the anemone gently, “That’s not what I mean to say at all. I want to remind you that sharks start out small. They are not all bad and scary. Even the bad and scary ones that bite have something inside of them that is special.”

I thought for a moment, “Teeth. They have lots of teeth. I could see how other predators would think that is special.”

“No, human girl.” Said the anemone, colors flashing again, “Sharks have a special sense of the things that are around them, just like you. They can feel the electricity of the things that are swimming in the water around them. They can smell the tiniest drop of blood in the water from miles away. In a way, they are similar to you, only they are stronger and, yes, they can be dangerous sometimes. But, if you went to talk with one of them, I know you could understand more about what it means to be a shark. AND I think there is something that only YOU can give a shark.”

“Anemone, do you have eyes?” I peered closer at the body of the anemone, “I want to look into your eyes. I need to know if I can trust you because you are telling me to do something that is very scary.”

The anemone quivered its tentacles again, and bubbles came out of its mouth, “No, human girl. I do not have eyes. I sense your movements through my tentacles and I can feel the electric currents that your movements make in the water. Sometimes, I light myself up to attract things near me. But, human girl, you can trust me. I have lived in this ocean for a long time, longer than you can remember. I know a lot about sharks and I know a lot about you. I would never ask you to do something that would hurt you.”

Again, I looked carefully at the anemone, “Hmmmm, well maybe I could do it. I could do it if you gave me a shark cage to go in, or some of that shark armor that scientists wear when they swim with the sharks. I have seen pictures of it before. It looks really safe. Sharks cannot bite you through that armor.”

“Human girl, I do not have any shark armor or shark cages. But, I do have one thing that will help protect you. Come let me hug you with my tentacles. If I hug you then you will be covered with slimy mucus that will sting anything that touches you, it will also glow and help you to find your way in the darkness of the deep water.”

I inspected the anemone carefully. It seemed trustworthy, but it was SO big. It was as wide as I was tall. What if it was tricking me? What if it was trying to trap me and feed me to the sharks? Well, there was only one way to know. I swam down closer and put my hand into the tentacles. They were sticky, and they turned inwards towards the mouth of the anemone.

“It’s ok, human girl. You don’t have to hug me.” Said the anemone, “I just want to help you feel safe.”

I sighed, and then I made a decision. I swam close and laid myself down in the center of the anemone and let it hug me. It tickled and felt sticky, but I could feel the coating of mucus all over me. And when the anemone let me go, I could see a faint glow coming from my skin.

“Anemone,” I said, “I do not know what I will say, but I WILL go talk with a shark today.”

“Swim safely.” Said the anemone and waved its tentacles goodbye.

I turned from the anemone and looked out into the great dark purple and green waters. Suddenly tired, I began to slowly swim out into unknown. This time the water around me felt like mud. I could not believe that I was actually going to talk with a shark, “to find something valuable,” or to give it something “only I could give.” Impossible! That anemone must have been crazy. I was absorbed in my thoughts as I swam along, and then suddenly I realized that I was completely alone. There were no little fish or cute sea stars here. I could see the light filtering down from the surface, but it looked paler from here than it had in the shallows. And suddenly I saw a dark shadow approaching. Something was coming, and that something was big.

The shadow swayed from side to side as it swam towards me. It looked like, yes, yes it was, A SHARK. In the middle of the depths of the ocean I came face to face with a shark. Its head was shaped like a flat hammer. Its thick skin was covered with scars as if it had fought many battles. It was large and very strong. I felt the place where my toe used to be starting to throb and I prepared myself to be eaten. The shark swam around me slowly. It looked at me out of one black eye and then turned its head to look at me through the other.

“Hello human girl. I see you have visited the anemone.” Said the shark. It’s mouth was full of SO many teeth. I couldn’t even begin to count them.

“Um, yes.” I said, and held up my glowing hands so that he would know not to touch me. “Yes, the anemone told me to come here and talk with you, but I don’t know what to say. Shark, why are you swimming in circles around me? You are making me really nervous!”

“Well,” said the shark, “I am sorry but I cannot stop swimming. If I stop swimming then I will not be able to breath and I will die. But, I can swim over here, if that would help you.” The shark swam a few yards away from me and looked at me out of one eye.

I pushed my arms against the water that was swirling around me, and braced myself for something big. “Shark,” I said, “Is there something that only I can give you?”

“Yes,” said the shark simply, “I would like to ask you to forgive me. I am sorry that your toe got bitten, and I am sorry about your friend’s leg. Do you think that you could be ok with swimming in the same ocean as me? We were both made to swim here, you know?”

I considered this carefully for a moment. Maybe the anemone was right. Suddenly a thought occurred to me. I wondered if, because I hated sharks, I had actually been staying away from the deepest most wonderful parts of the ocean. I had stayed in the shallows and close to the shore, because I had been afraid of going deeper. But, this time it was different. This time I was glowing with the slime of the anemone and I didn’t have to protect myself. Still, this shark had an awful lot of teeth. Now, he was looking at me through his other eye. It seemed like he was trying to swim as slowly and gently as possible.

I made my decision, “Shark, I believe that you are sorry. I forgive you. Yes, I think we can swim in the same ocean. I would rather swim in the ocean with you than not swim in the ocean at all. I forgive you, Shark. I forgive you.” The words tumbled out of me in a rush. It was like I could not control them.

The shark slowly nodded his head from side to side. “Thank you, human girl. I will leave you now. Swim in peace.” Then he swam around me in a circle and swam away, disappearing slowly into the sea. I watched the sunlight spears reflect off of his back until there was nothing left. I felt so much lighter.

Then, I saw another dark shape swimming towards me. It was much larger than the shark and swam up and down. It was a humpback whale, and it was singing. Its song vibrated through me and invited me to swim with it. So, I did. I grabbed onto its fin and let it pull me deeper into the water.

That was the best day of swimming I have ever had. I floated over coral reefs that amazed me with their beauty and saw all kinds of sea animals that I had never seen before. And, no, I did not ever find out how big it was, but I was free for the first time to explore the ocean called Forgiveness.

The End- for now…

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