Then, Joshua said to the people, “Consecrate yourselves unto the Lord, for tomorrow the Lord will do great works among you.” – Joshua 3:5
Consecrate. Set apart. Wholly devoted to one thing.
How many times do I fill myself with things that will not satisfy, that do not last. I am seeking, searching, aching for something to change me. I have sat in my despair long enough. The beautiful letdown is this; I cannot change myself. Perhaps my brokenness is meant to serve another purpose, it is meant to show me my greater need. The end of me is the beginning of Him. This whole time I have been missing the invitation to something very private and personal with God. Embrace the process. Don’t hold back. Come. Choose me. I almost missed the invitation. Now I hear it, although it was whispered so softly. Now it resonates through my mind and heart.
Come, everyone who is thirsty, come to the waters; And you who have no money come, buy and eat…
Seek the Lord while He may be found…
Then you shall go out with joy and be led forth with peace.
Although I am poor and needy, the Lord thinks upon me. He is calling me gently to come, turn to Him and He will heal the barren places in my soul with His steady rain. For so long I have tried to make things happen based on MY plans and MY timing. His desire instead was to pour living rain down on me. I need to see His face. I need Him to teach me to carry Joy and Peace. I need to see Him in my suffering. I need to know His holiness. I need freedom. I need to dance again. I need to go back to my first Love, the one who knows the meaning of my name, the color of my eyes. Although I have nothing, He offers me everything. He is near to all who call upon Him.
And so I respond;
O God, You are my God; I shall seek your face;
My soul longs for you, my flesh yearns for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
I have seen you in the sanctuary, seen your power and your glory.
Because your love is better than life, my lips will praise you.
So I will bless you as long as I live; I will lift up my hands in your name.
My soul is satisfied with you alone, and my mouth offers praises to you with joyful lips.
Be my everything.
Heal me.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Day one: Lessons in being Helpless
The hospital is a cold and confusing place. This hospital is even more perplexing than any other I have ever been to. The buildings and floors form a maze that conspires against outsiders, visitors and new people. Maybe this is some complex kind of hazing? You can only find your way around if you really belong there. The only place I know how to find is the cafeteria. Typical of me! I have no idea what I am doing here.
I always wanted to be a nurse. However, I never wanted to work in a hospital. How ironic that to be a good nurse you have to spend a chunk of time learning in the hospitals! There is one thing that keeps me focused. Somehow, I am called to be here. This experience is a part of what God is doing in my life. It is a part of the lessons I am learning. It is a stretching of my heart. It is a continuation of everything I saw Him do within me in Haiti. And it is me. This is me. I am one who is called to care for others despite their pain and circumstances.
With all of that said, day one in the hospital is exhausting. Physically exhausting from all the lifting, bed changes, and turning the patients in bed, and emotionally exhausting to see people in such desperation.
One patient has uncontrollable diarrhea, which means that we change her 6 times during my shift. It is difficult to move her, to roll her on her side, clean her up and finally get her settled back in her bed. We are looking at her in her most vulnerable state. She is literally lying there in her own shit, unable to move or help herself. She is the sweetest lady. She rarely complains, even though I know she must be very uncomfortable. She even manages to crack jokes while we are moving her in the bed. Each time after we change her diaper and bedding, we leave her with the same instructions; “See this call button? Next time this happens, give us a call right away and we will come to help you out.”
I wonder if it is possible to know someone truly unless you have actually seen them in such a situation. Can I ever be known unless I show my true vulnerability? Can I ever know someone unless they are willing to show me themselves? We need to care for each other. We need to help each other out of the shit that we are stuck in. When our strength fails, we rely on each other, we rely on God. I may not be physically lying here helpless, but I am spiritually. Spiritually I am in great need. The dry places in my heart are crying out for more. I NEED help.
I guess I had better go push that call button…
I always wanted to be a nurse. However, I never wanted to work in a hospital. How ironic that to be a good nurse you have to spend a chunk of time learning in the hospitals! There is one thing that keeps me focused. Somehow, I am called to be here. This experience is a part of what God is doing in my life. It is a part of the lessons I am learning. It is a stretching of my heart. It is a continuation of everything I saw Him do within me in Haiti. And it is me. This is me. I am one who is called to care for others despite their pain and circumstances.
With all of that said, day one in the hospital is exhausting. Physically exhausting from all the lifting, bed changes, and turning the patients in bed, and emotionally exhausting to see people in such desperation.
One patient has uncontrollable diarrhea, which means that we change her 6 times during my shift. It is difficult to move her, to roll her on her side, clean her up and finally get her settled back in her bed. We are looking at her in her most vulnerable state. She is literally lying there in her own shit, unable to move or help herself. She is the sweetest lady. She rarely complains, even though I know she must be very uncomfortable. She even manages to crack jokes while we are moving her in the bed. Each time after we change her diaper and bedding, we leave her with the same instructions; “See this call button? Next time this happens, give us a call right away and we will come to help you out.”
I wonder if it is possible to know someone truly unless you have actually seen them in such a situation. Can I ever be known unless I show my true vulnerability? Can I ever know someone unless they are willing to show me themselves? We need to care for each other. We need to help each other out of the shit that we are stuck in. When our strength fails, we rely on each other, we rely on God. I may not be physically lying here helpless, but I am spiritually. Spiritually I am in great need. The dry places in my heart are crying out for more. I NEED help.
I guess I had better go push that call button…
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