The size of our souls- Reflections from the NICU

How do you measure the size of our souls? How do you define what makes that person THAT person? THOSE people have something that is so unique and special, and it radiates from them. It beams from the pores of their skin like light.

Last week I had an overnight shift in the neonatal intensive care unit at the local children’s hospital. This is where they bring the smallest and most fragile human beings I have ever seen. “Neonates” come straight to the intensive care unit after they are born. Usually, this is because they were born too early, or because they were born with a life threatening condition that makes intervention necessary for them to live. They represent the most fragile parts of life. I saw babies the size length of my hands, weighing 400 grams, their chests fluttering up and down like birds. Then the waiting and praying process begins. Will this baby ever go home? Will it leave the hospital free of tubes? Will it come back a few months later because of complications in its condition?

I was assigned to the feeder/grower room, the room where the babies that are doing better are sent to gain weight so that they can be cleared to go home. The baby that I was in charge of was a tiny little 3 pounder who didn’t like to eat. She was born prematurely at 30 weeks. She had the most beautiful face, and eyes that seemed to show the greatness inside of her. It was like I could feel who she was, even from across the room.

Babies make you think about a lot of things. Or at least they do for me. So, I my mind started spinning its wheels as I cared for these little people throughout the night. I wondered why is it that people’s souls so often feel like they are different sizes. There are a number of ancient theories and thoughts about souls, what they are, and if they are immortal or only last as long as the body is living. Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, and many influential thinkers since then, have debated such subjects verbally and in writing. But, what I am talking about here is another question entirely. Do our souls have a size? Are there people who are more whole-souled than others?

I am sure you have seen this happen before, you know, those times when it is just impossible to ignore someone. Their presence just captivates you. They don’t have to be physically beautiful, or hilariously funny, it is just that something, that thing inside of them that is unmistakably them. LARGE souls. You have also probably experienced the reverse. I like to make a habit of people watching, which means that whenever I get a chance, I sit in a crowded place and watch people going about their business. In doing this, I saw some people who just didn’t want to be seen. They frequently occupied corners of coffee shops, without talking with anyone, hiding behind computers or textbooks, never talking on the phone. Because they wanted to be invisible, they were. Small souls. This difference makes me wonder, what happened? What happened to our souls that made us hide who we really are?

I want to be like my little premie girl. Even though I might be small in size, even though life is uncertain, I want to be myself in such a way that you can see ME from across the room. I want my big soul back. Regardless of what has happened to me, or the fragility of life, I want to really be myself for as long as I have. Those are my reflections from the wee hours of the night in the hospital.

I encourage you- Go and BE large. BE yourself. BE blessed.

Image from http://sarafryd.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/soul.jpg